My Conversation with William Shakespeare

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First of all I must inform everyone who is willing to read this that my basic purpose is only to propound humour and one of my personal theory about the death of Christopher Marlowe. Please don’t be offended by anything that I say against Shakespeare.

Moreover, I am not an expert in ancient language as it is not my mistake that I was born 21 years ago, still I have tried my best to make my imaginary Shakespeare as real as possible. Lets get started then:

As I entered the chamber of my imagination I saw to a man clad in old fashion clothes. It was Williams Shakespeare, from there our conversation started:

Shakespeare: You come most carefully upon your hour, mighty lad. I think I heard that thou you are the lad who hailed me upon his imagination to clung attention of readers for likes and follows on WordPress.

Me: Yep that’s me

Shakespeare: “Yep” what is this staggering miraculous word of the future I predict…I plead you to unfold such intimate word of future.

Me: Oh in the future we have very amazing words, like one of the famous word is LOL, LOLZx and there is a word dude, you rock, moron and many others…but I am not here to talk about the future sir…I am here to talk about you.

Shakespeare: Hence, lad thou do pursue with thy communication, but I am startled by the vocabulary of thy future. “Yep”, what an alternative yes for every moment that we concur to a statement. “Yep”, what a yob that is in its sound. “Yep”, what a –“

Me: SIR, its just a “yep” stop yapping too much about just a yep.

Shakespeare: Oh my apologies, to you mighty lad. What is yapping by the way?

Me: Never mind, please sit down. So I am here to talk about you. I mean I want to know who is, William Shakespeare?

Shakespeare: Son of Johan Shakespeare.

Me:Who is Johan Shakespeare?

Shakespeare: Son of Richard Shakespeare?

Me: Now who is Richard Shakespeare?

Shakespeare: Citizen of Stratford-upon-Avon.

Me: Who is a citizen of Stratford-upon-Avon?

Shakespeare: William Shakespeare is a citizen of Stratford-upon-Avon.

Me: Who is William Shakespeare? OK lets just not start it all over again…hmm…please tell my readers about your father a bit.

Shakespeare: Well, lad my father was a benevolent character, a nice man indeed. Sure he was a selfish business man, but a nice man indeed. Sure he coned me to abandon my school to employ me in his business, but a nice man indeed. Sure he had a lot of debtors, who were looking to kill him, but a nice man indeed.

Me: Aham!

Shakespeare: Aham?

Me: Aham.

Shakespeare: Aham?

Me: Ok lets move on to the next question. So you were third son after two sisters and the first son of your father, and three of your sisters died in fancy. You were the youngest. Your father had deep sympathies for catholic and he could have been arrested anytime, by Queen of England, for high treason –

Shakespeare: Not treason exactly, Elizabeth I of England was constantly under the impression that she might receive a dagger and her doubts lingered upon people of catholic faith, for Elizabeth I of England was excommunicated by the church from catholic faith. Hence my father was in danger for having devoutness to catholic faith which got him killed, but a nice man indeed. My dear lad, I ponder you are endeavoring to make this blog funny, why thou making it serious?

Me: Oh! I just wanted my readers to know that I have done good research on you…hahaha…So as you were born in such a time of chaos, how were you able to grasp such influence of becoming a play writer.

Shakespeare: I was amused by manners of actor, how they made surreal so real.

Me: Only actors or actresses also.

Shakespeare: Mostly actresses.

Me: Aham!

Shakespeare: Aham?

Me: Aham.

Shakespeare: Aham?

Me: Ok! Lets move on to the next question. Hmm…you got married to a woman who was almost eight years older than you; why?

Shakespeare: Love has no age, love goes by haps; some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps, The course of true love never did run smooth. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind. Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. Love –“

Me: OK very good sir, but why did you marry her actually?

Shakespeare: Well, she was rich.

Me: Aham.

Shakespeare: Aham?

Me: Aham…

Shakespeare: Aham!

Me: Ok so lets move on to the next question, so sir, your wife was pregnant before marriage; so how did you do it?

Shakespeare: Hmm…Aham.

Me: Aham.

Shakespear: Aham

Me: Aham…Aham.

Shakespeare: Ok so lets move on to next –“

Me: Aham…you rock dude…Ok enough of the gibberish part. So after your marriage you vanished for seven years, then you arrived at London where you met Christopher Marlowe. Then one day Christopher Marlowe dies mysterious and a just then a famous figure rises whose name is Williams Shakespeare. Everybody knows the rest of your life…so lets just skip it and come to a serious part.

Shakespeare: What thou mean to convey?

Me: Well, I just what to know if Shakespeare was actually the man who killed Christopher Marlowe and stole all his work and then became the famous Shakespeare, I want to know if Shakespeare is the biggest lie ever told in the history of mankind and still that lie is enjoyed on every 24th April in Stratford-upon-avon

Shakespear: Hold it dude you are destroying your blog, don’t you want it to be funny.

Me: More then writing a funny blog I want to enlighten my readers to wonder about a fact that who actually was William Shakespeare, perhaps the most famous man of his time yet no one ever saw him much in public. There is not a single letter that he has ever written to anyone ever in his life, even his signatures are found in six different patterns; who was actually a Shakespeare? A lie, a fraud or a pseudonym for a group of people.

Shakespeare: Aham.

Me: Seriously that’s all you will say after to such criticism

Shakespeare: Hahaha…lad humans are amazing creatures, they want to strive but they want to relax, they want to laugh but only till it is not up to the limit of madness, they want answers only to get a little more question, so if doubt on my existence gives a little more meaning to someones life then Ameen.

Me: Well sir…it is hath been personable to communicating with you. You are exempt to go now.

Shakespeare: LOL thanks dude, you truly rock.

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A Conversation Between English & Maths

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It’s a very strange thought, but I feel that Maths and English are like bitter foes. What if Maths and English were not subjects but humans?

Let’s assume that English and Maths are not subjects, but human. So let’s imagine what will be the conversation between them.

English: Hi, Maths, how are you?

Maths: Wait for it; it is not yet the right time for me to talk with you right now.

English: But you just did talk to me, eventually.

Maths: No, that was the right time to shut you up; ok so now you can talk.

English: Hmm…How are you Math?

Maths: Well…my blood pressure is a systolic pressure of fewer than 120 millimeters of mercury and diastolic pressure of less than 80 mm Hg, then my body temperature is 34-degree celsius, my blood cholesterol 200 mg/dL and blood sugar level is between 70 and 99 mg/dL and my –

English: Ok I get it, you are fine…in our language we call it, “I am fine”

Math:  No, I am not fine…I am having high level of Dehydration

English: It means you are not fine.

Math: No, it means I need a glass of water; daa

English: Oh my God, Maths, why do you have to be so specific about everything?

Maths: Way do you have to be so metaphoric about everything? Alas! You and ways…English you are a person who finds meaning in meaningless things. Let me illustrate the object of my objection; what is poetry, it is just a set of enigmatic word combined to propound a single idea.

English: Wow…I find meaning in your word, they were so poetic.

Maths: That is called criticism in my friend.

English: Well, then maths…I find it really vexing my friend that in your algebra all we have to do is find the “X”. I don’t bloody get it; what is this obsession with “X”. Are you a pirate? Why do you always find “X”?

Maths: Sometimes I also find “Y”

English: It means you don’t know why to you find “X”

Maths: It means that I also find “Y”

English: You seriously don’t know “Y” do you find “X”

Maths: English…SHUT UP.

English: “Y”

Maths: Alas! You and ways…English, your existence has no benefit to anyone

English: Really! Then why do you state all your problems in English?

Math: Ah…Ah…because –

English: Why don’t you say all your problems in binary language?

Math: Hmm…ah…well –

English: Why do you even speak English?

Maths: Well I don’t know the person, who is writing this blog is making me say this entire thing. Ah…but I guess I must apologize for my rudeness. I must comprehend the importance of everything. Yep…now this person is making me the one with guilt.

English: Maybe I should do the same…and even I confess that Math is also very important and it…well it gives a lot of specificities to our life.

Maths: So, English, how are you?

English: Oh last night I had to visit the doctor…my grammar is not very good these days so I took some punctuation, some tenses and also improved my vocabulary so I am getting better. So how is your son; what is his name?

Maths: Physics is fine…he had a son recently we named him astrophysics.

English: Wow…Maths what is your age?

Maths: I am 4016-year-old, maybe even more. I think I don’t know.

English: It seems that your maths is not very good.

Maths: Haha

English: By the way, I am 1516 years old.

Maths: Well, it was nice meeting you English.

English: It was nice meeting you too Maths.

First Laughter

Hi, my name is Rao Umar Javed, but my friends call me Rao. However, you can just call me James Bond 007.97836729.

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It seems quite obvious, but still I will tell you that I am about to make you smile – but don’t smile now that comes later.

As it is my first blog I ought to introduce myself. So I am a writer, and a part-time entertainer:

I like those people who say:

“Wow! Dude, you are funny”

I just love those people who say:

“Omg! You are a crazy guy”

But if you ever call me a moron then listen very carefully…I will kiss you.

WARNING: My kiss is highly toxic, might result in extreme irritation or eventually might lead to death.

So as I was saying that this is my first blog so I ought to introduce myself. I am a writer, and a kind of funny and crazy person. Actually, I don’t understand the difference between funny and being crazy. Hence, I asked my friend, Mr. I Know Everything But The Size of My Pajama

Me: What is the difference between being funny and being crazy?

Mr. I Know Everything But The Size of My Pajama: Well, being funny is like twisting the words and introducing a bit of sarcasm into what you are saying.

ME: OK…that was funny because I did not understand what you mean.

Mr. I Know Everything But The Size of My Pajama: Yep that’s funny…funny varies from person to person. If I slap you; some will find it funny and some will find it barbaric.

ME: Hmm…certainly I won’t find it funny if you slap me. So what is like being crazy then?

Mr. I Know Everything But The Size of My Pajama: Well, being crazy involves more of action than words. You cant be while you are writing your blogs.

ME: Oh that is confusing…why don’t I just try to be myself?

Mr. I Know Everything But The Size of My Pajama: Well that will be stupid because you are stupid.

ME: Oh ya…what makes you think that you are so smart…you don’t even know the size of your Pajama.

Mr. I Know Everything But The Size of My Pajama: Actually I do…its X

Me: There is not size as X. There is S for small, M for middle, L for large and XL for extra large.

Mr. I Know Everything But The Size of My Pajama: Exactly that’s my point…I don’t wear Pajamas

Me: Oh we have to find the X then.

Are you smiling now – please don’t smile now that comes later

So as I was saying that this is my first blog so I ought to introduce myself. And I am a crazy guy, and I am writing this blog and I am intending to further write more blogs that have some degree of humor in it. To be honest and with all due respect, sometimes I don’t understand that why do people even write blogs. Some people invest their most precious works in order to get some fruitful comments and likes. I am not saying that it is a totally worthless thing but it is certainly a risky thing…at least for the person who seriously wants to advance his life as a full-time writer, because if your endeavorments are stolen then maybe you won’t even get a chance to blame. As they say:

“The people who live in the house of glass, should go to washroom at night”

OH SORRY I said it wrong, its actually:

“The people who live in a house of glass, should not throw stones at another person’s house.”

Please don’t smile now I am telling you it comes later.

Some other people like to talk about there personal life on blogs. I mean seriously…I don’t care, dude, if your crush does not like you. Sometimes I am like:

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What I like is narrative writing, a bit of poetry and a whole lot of insanity. In future I will write some compelling stuff, so stay in touch.

So as I was saying that this is my first blog so ought to make you smile, then brace yourself because I am about to tell you a joke.

One friend to another:

First Friend: Dude I am about to tell you a joke

Second Friend: Sure…tell

First Friend: “A Joke”

Are you smiling? OK sorry that was a very lame joke, or should I say it was “A Joke”

-Over and Out
Rao Umar Javed